Tales from the Trenches


Tales from the Trenches

In which I go online dating so you don't have to.

As you know, dear Reader, I am always looking for ways in which I can turn my daily trials into anecdotes with which to delight you. Well, you're in luck now, because since I joined OKStupid, never have I been so provided with grist for my mill as I have in the interactions with my online, would-be suitors. Please, go ahead, laugh at my pain…

So, today, in the spirit of getting a few things off my to-do list I went on OKStupid to check out who thinks I'm fabulous. I got a message from this guy, his handle is "blessedmarypra". (OH OH, I mean you just have to feel sorry for someone who can't express themselves fully in the 15 character limit of their username.) His missive to me is as follows:

Hello, my name is Ken*, divorced, i like your profile and am interested in you. Please tell me more about yourself

* I was going to change names but decided there were no innocents here

Ken, I can tell, might be interested in me, but not in punctuation. Think about the wasted opportunity to end his request with an ellipse, those dots trailing suggestively...Oh, what I might have disclosed...

Which is nothing compared to the HUGE TURN OFF that his blessedmarypra name is. I mean he's giving away his worldview right there. Seeing as how I would self-identify as whore rather than madonna we would never be a good match. He's also one of those people who puts "Christian (and it's important)" in his profile (which I couldn't be arsed to read but already know is going to be full of typos).

So what do I say? I know I can just ignore him, but that's a bit rude. Plus, I want him to know it's not me, it's him! Should I just say I am not remotely attracted to people who are religious? I've also got an out on my height requirement as he's put that he's 5' 10'' tall which means he's really 5' 7''.

I've compiled a list of possible replies. Which one do you prefer my darling Reader? (Answers on the back of a $20 note please).

  1. Dear Ken,
    Thank you for your interest. One thing I can tell you about myself is that I aspire at all times to absolute perfection in English grammar and syntax. I’m also a sensitive and intuitive person, and trust my first instincts without question. So I’m sorry to say I did not get the impression I was looking for from your upfront aggressive religiosity and evident carelessness with punctuation. Not wishing to hurt your feelings, but for me it seems we are unlikely to reach even basic compatibility and would fall considerably short of potential dating material. I wish you well in your search and hope you have better luck with someone who isn’t me.
  2. Dear Ken,
    I suggest you turn yourself in to the ecclesiastical authorities. The Holy Mother Church considers your marriage eternal, and you are therefore in a state of sin and would be no fun on a date. Plus there is the poor English to get over… and the missed opportunity for ellipsis….
  3. Kenneth, old chap -
    It is clear to me from your profile that if you and I met for dinner we would also need to set a place for the Blessed Virgin. I don’t do three-way dates any more, so regrettably I think we’re a non-starter. Good luck to you though.
  4. Dear Short-Arse,
    You’re an almost-illiterate religious nutter, whereas I am a sane person who is also a life-long skeptic. So best you run along and play in the next street, okay? Here’s sixpence for your troubles.
  5. Ken-o-rama!,
    You are exactly the dreamy man I’m looking for! Let’s meet this very afternoon and have sex. Let me rephrase that - what I was trying to say is "No chance." Did you not see my HOT photo? I’d eat you alive and spit your bones into the collection plate. Forget about it, titchy boy. And stand up straight when you’re talking to me.

Pray for ME,